The Invisible Hunt: How Narcissistic Abusers Use Stalking by Proxy to Evade Accountability

When we think of stalking, we usually picture a figure lurking in the shadows—following someone home, harassing them at work, showing up uninvited. It's an obvious threat. A direct one.
But narcissistic abusers, especially those tangled up in family court battles or contentious separations, often wield a far more insidious weapon: stalking by proxy.

Unlike direct harassment, stalking by proxy means getting other people—often unknowingly—to monitor, report on, interfere with, or punish the targeted victim. Friends. Family. Teachers. Doctors. Coaches. Even judges.
All while the abuser sits back and polishes their halo, claiming innocence.

In the eyes of most bystanders, no "abuse" is happening. No one sees the puppet strings. But for the victim, it feels like living under constant siege, surrounded by invisible hands pulling them down, tightening the noose.

What Is Stalking by Proxy?

Stalking by proxy is when an abuser enlists third parties—willingly or unwittingly—to continue their harassment, control, or surveillance of the victim.
It's common among narcissistic abusers, who are expert manipulators of perception.
They present themselves to the world as "concerned," "worried," "protective," or "responsible" — while weaponizing others to deliver emotional harm, legal pressure, or reputational damage to their target.

The proxies often believe they are helping, or simply "following the rules." They don’t realize they are being used as chess pieces in a deeply personal and destructive psychological war.

And because the abuse is happening through intermediaries, it is hard to detect, hard to prove, and devastatingly effective.

Common Tactics of Stalking by Proxy

Here’s how it usually plays out:

• Weaponizing Institutions: The abuser files false reports to CPS, calls the police with fake concerns, files endless court motions, or manipulates doctors and therapists to question the victim’s mental fitness.

• Triangulation: The abuser plays the "worried" parent or friend to teachers, doctors, coaches, neighbors, or family members, creating doubt about the victim’s stability, parenting, or character.

• Fake Concern Campaigns: They reach out to mutual acquaintances under the guise of "being worried" about the victim’s behavior, planting seeds of suspicion and concern.

• Courtroom Manipulation: Abusers can weaponize court systems by filing baseless restraining orders, custody challenges, or complaints, forcing the victim to exhaust resources defending against lies.

• Information Gathering: They convince others to "check in" on the victim — asking about their whereabouts, relationships, parenting decisions, finances — and report back.

• Professional Undermining: They may contact employers, licensing boards, or professional associations to smear the victim’s reputation, hoping to jeopardize their livelihood.

• Social Media Spying: Mutual friends or even the victim’s own family members are used to monitor posts, photos, or comments, feeding information back to the abuser.

Each tactic is designed to isolate, exhaust, and discredit the victim without the abuser getting their own hands dirty.

Why Decision-Makers (Judges, Teachers, Doctors) Miss It

Stalking by proxy is so dangerous because it evades traditional red flags.
It looks like "concern." It wears the costume of "good parenting," "responsibility," "civic duty," or "due diligence."

Decision-makers often fail to catch it because:

• They see isolated events, not the pattern: A single CPS report, a school concern, a doctor's comment — individually, they seem reasonable. Viewed together, they form a web of harassment.

• They assume good faith: Most professionals assume people are acting in good faith unless they see overt signs of malice.

• They’re overloaded: Teachers, judges, and doctors deal with hundreds of cases. They don’t have time (or sometimes the training) to spot covert abuse dynamics.

• They are conditioned to prioritize safety concerns: Even if allegations are flimsy, systems are built to "err on the side of caution," which abusers exploit shamelessly.

• The abuser is charming: Narcissists are masterful at wearing masks. They present as calm, reasonable, and cooperative — while subtly painting the victim as unstable, difficult, or dangerous.

The result?
A distorted reality where the true victim looks like the problem, and the true abuser looks like the savior.

Signs You May Be Experiencing Stalking by Proxy

If you’re wondering whether you're being targeted by this subtle but devastating tactic, here are some signs to watch for:

• You find yourself having to defend against repeated false allegations to schools, doctors, therapists, or courts.

• You notice people in your life suddenly acting cold, suspicious, or judgmental without explanation.

• "Concerns" about your fitness as a parent, employee, or community member surface out of nowhere — always vague, always indirect.

• You feel like you're being watched or scrutinized, even when the abuser isn’t physically near you.

• Minor incidents are blown out of proportion by others who seem "worried" about you.

• Professionals and authority figures seem biased against you based on unseen, unproven narratives.

• You’re forced into costly, exhausting, and demoralizing defenses against accusations that feel random or disconnected.

If this sounds familiar, you are not imagining it.
This is real. This is abuse.

What You Can Do

Fighting stalking by proxy is extremely difficult — but not impossible.
Here’s where to start:

• Document everything: Keep a meticulous log of all incidents, interactions, and suspicious activities. Dates, times, witnesses, copies of communications — everything matters.

• Connect the dots: When explaining to professionals, show the pattern — not just individual events. Use timelines and histories to highlight the orchestration.

• Stay calm and focused: Narcissistic abusers count on you reacting emotionally so they can label you as unstable. Be measured and strategic.

• Protect your privacy: Be careful about what you share publicly, even innocuous details. Assume that anything visible can and will be weaponized.

• Find trauma-informed advocates: Look for professionals who understand complex abuse dynamics. Therapists, lawyers, or advocates trained in high-conflict cases are essential.

• Use parallel communication strategies: Tools like court-monitored apps (e.g., OurFamilyWizard) limit direct contact and create a paper trail.

• Stay grounded in your truth: Gaslighting is part of this game. They want you doubting yourself. Trust your gut. You know what's happening.

Final Thoughts

Stalking by proxy is psychological warfare, designed to exhaust and destroy you without leaving visible scars.
It is devastating. It is disorienting.
And worst of all — it often gets rewarded by systems that don’t understand the game being played.

But speaking up matters.
Naming it matters.
Calling it what it is matters.

Because the more we expose these covert tactics to the light, the harder it becomes for narcissistic abusers to keep winning behind the scenes.
And the easier it becomes for real justice — and real healing — to find its way through the fog.