Behind the Curtain: The Hell of Fighting a Narcissistic Ex in Family Court
Introduction: The Courtroom Mask vs. the Real Monster
On paper, it might look like a normal custody dispute. But for those of us living it—this isn’t about co-parenting conflicts or a failed relationship. It’s about survival.
When your former spouse is a narcissist, family court becomes a stage. A well-rehearsed theater of lies, crocodile tears, and manufactured victimhood. They charm judges. They deceive evaluators. They exploit the very legal system meant to protect families. All while sabotaging your relationship with your child behind closed doors.
You find yourself gaslit not just by your ex—but by the system that keeps asking why you’re “still in court” while ignoring who keeps dragging you there.
This is not a gender issue. It’s a pathology issue. Narcissistic abuse doesn’t discriminate. The narcissist doesn’t care about what's best for the child. They care about winning.
The Courtroom Angel, the Real-World Demon
Narcissistic former spouses are experts at impression management. In court, they present themselves as soft-spoken, wounded victims—targets of your alleged “abuse,” “instability,” or “controlling behavior.” They cry. They nod solemnly. They say all the right words.
Then court ends, and the mask comes off.
Suddenly you’re ghosted. They don’t return emails. They block your phone number. They withhold your child for made-up reasons. They invent medical emergencies, claim trauma, or twist your every move into an “unsafe situation.”
As the psychologist Dr. Karyl McBride writes in Will I Ever Be Free of You?, narcissists are “masters of impression management” and “use the courtroom as a stage to manipulate legal outcomes in their favor.”
This isn’t just unfair—it’s parental alienation. And it is devastating.
Weaponizing the System: Custody as a Tool of Control
The family court system, in its attempt to remain neutral, often becomes a weapon in the narcissist’s arsenal.
“High-conflict personalities dominate courtrooms not because they have valid claims—but because they know how to manipulate processes meant to protect children,” says attorney and therapist Bill Eddy, founder of the High Conflict Institute.
Every hearing becomes another opportunity for your ex to project their own abusive behavior onto you. They accuse you of what they are doing: manipulation, gaslighting, threats. They drag out cases for years with false filings, bogus protective orders, and refusal to mediate.
Meanwhile, the courts encourage you to settle—while ignoring the reality that you can’t negotiate with a narcissist. They don’t want peace. They want power.
The Psychological Toll: Destroyed Finances, Mental Health, and Hope
Trying to co-parent with a narcissist isn’t just difficult—it’s soul-destroying. You spend tens of thousands of dollars trying to defend your character. You are forced to prove your innocence again and again. You lose time with your child that you’ll never get back.
You begin to question your own sanity. You lose friends. You lose energy. You start to internalize the accusations just to make the fighting stop.
Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula calls this “narcissistic abuse syndrome,” where the target experiences chronic symptoms of anxiety, confusion, and helplessness due to long-term manipulation.
And still the courts tell you to “just get along.”
This Is the Reality for So Many of Us
This is my story. But it’s also the story of thousands of mothers and fathers—yes, both—who are trapped in legal purgatory because their former partner knows how to manipulate the family court system.
Our exes are not just difficult—they are pathologically incapable of co-parenting. They use the child as a pawn. They lie without conscience. And worst of all, they convince the court that they are the victim.
I have not seen my child in months. Not because I don’t want to. Not because I’m dangerous. But because the court won’t stop giving my narcissistic ex more rope to hang me with.
And if I don’t keep fighting, I will lose my child forever.
Conclusion: We Need a Court System That Sees Behind the Mask
Family courts must evolve. Judges and court-appointed professionals need training in high-conflict personalities, narcissistic abuse, and the signs of parental alienation. Evaluators must stop accepting one-sided narratives without deeper investigation.
As a society, we need to stop assuming that someone who looks like the victim is the victim. And we must stop punishing the parent who is simply trying to stay in their child’s life despite years of lies, obstruction, and manipulation.
Because if we don’t? The real victims—our children—pay the price.
Further Reading and Resources:
Bill Eddy, BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People
Dr. Karyl McBride, Will I Ever Be Free of You?
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Don’t You Know Who I Am?
National Parents Organization – https://www.sharedparenting.org
High Conflict Institute – https://www.highconflictinstitute.com
Call to Action:
If you’re experiencing the same hell and want to share your story, connect with me at Father & Co. We need to shine light on what the courts won’t see—until it’s too late.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder ("NPD") is in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders--5 ("DSM-V") where it is defined and diagnosed. It is defined as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior) and self-importance, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts as indicated by 5 or MORE of the following: (1) Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements). (2) Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. (3) Believes that she is "special", perfect and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions). (4) Requires excessive admiration. (5) Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreaonsable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with her expectations). (6) Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve her own ends). (7) Lacks empathy: unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings of others and needs of others. (8) Is often envious of others or believes that other are envious of her. (9) Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
They tend to have a superiority complex. Yet, their self-esteem is very fragile. They want constant attention. They expect to be catered to, and when that doesn't happen, they become furious. They expect to be given whatever they want, regardless of the needs or wants of others. They devalue others, and begrudge others successes or possessions, feeling that they better deserve those privileges, achievements, admiration. When they are rejected or humiliated they feel denigrated, degraded, and empty. They will react with disdain, rage, or defiant counterattack. This may cause the narcissist social withdrawal or an appearance of humility that masks their underlying narcissism. Sustained feelings of shame or humiliation and attendant self-criticism can be associated with social withdrawal, depressed mood, persistent depressive disorder, or major depressive disorder. Narcissistic personality disorders are associated with anorexia, substance abuse disorders (especially related to cocaine), Histrionic, borderline, antisocial and paranoid personality disorders.
The individual with narcissistic personality disorder and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder commit to perfectionism and believes that others cannot do things as well. When traits are inflexibility, maladaptive, persisting, and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress do they constitute narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissism is essentially untreatable because those with the disorder believe they don't have the disorder. They are highly resistant to change, refuse efforts at self-improvement and refuse treatment of any kind. Experts state that Narcissists ("NPD") are highly uncooperative and emotionally abusive, and to avoid them like the "plague" that they are. They have fragile egos and cannot tolerate being questioned. That's why they have to be put up on the witness stand in Family Court, because they will become completely unglued, and in some cases will show their rage. They can't play the victim when cornered. They are phonies and lie to make themselves look better. The misuse power and can be highly disempowering to others. Narcissists are highly vindictive and commence smear campaigns against those who disagree with them or refuse to tolerate manipulation by them.
Narcissists prefer control and love things that make them feel superior and in charge. They love money and control. Narcissists hate being ignored, questioned, seen as common, being criticized, being disobeyed, disregarded, have no respect for other people's boundaries, being left out, coming in second, being told they can't do or have something, having to follow the same rules as everyone else, not being the boss, not being allowed special privileges, being asked to be more considerate, not getting their way, being disliked, not being well-served, not getting the attention they want, and being told they are wrong or at fault in any way. Narcissists CANNOT be helped. It is best to avoid them as much as possible. Narcissists can tend to be dangerous and violent.
Narcissists fear losing power, influence, and favor. Narcissists will use pity and start crying (Crocodile Tears) to manipulate. If you feel sorry for them, they have a lot of power over you. That's why judges and lawyers bend over backwards for these types of people in Family Courts. In court cases, a person that turns on the tears on command in order to manipulate the court can be shut down by objecting to the Crocodile Tears that are prejudicing, manipulating, obstructing, or even tampering with the case. Lawyers will move to dismiss cases because of this type of manipulation.
Narcissists do know right from wrong and are excellent liars. They will lie when they insist they never said or did anything unkind or inconsiderate. They will lie to impress. They will lie to turn the tables in their favor, especially when they're enraged at someone who stands up to them. That's why it's good to get them on the witness stand and catch them in lies. They will reveal their true character and become enraged, exposing their violence and dangerousness. Narcissists are good at "gaslighting", insisting that negative events did not occur, leaving others to question their own memory and sanity. Women narcissists use social/family channels to wield the most power over others, playing the role of the self-sacrificing martyr for the children. Narcissists will usually end up with other dysfunctional people because healthy people will turn away from them and avoid them. Narcissists usually wind up with co-dependent people (co-narcissists?) and other vulnerable people who will be punished or discarded if they fail to remain compliant with the narcissist's wishes.
Narcissists are terrible parents. They are mean because they don't have empathy. They cannot or will not empathize with their children. Some narcissists ignore their kids and neglect or are disinterested in them. Children in these circumstances are often targets of abuse--both mentally and physically. Other narcissists smother their children and won't let them grow up or breathe. Narcissists usually don't like children because it takes away from their own self-serving needs. They blame children for non-existent things. They blame them for liking the other parent. Some only like small children, because they are easily manipulated. Some children are considered the "golden child" while others are the "scapegoat" when involved with a narcissistic parent. During divorce and/or custody battles, narcissists manipulate children like pawns because they lack empathy. Adult children of narcissists overwhelmingly and unfailingly report that they wish someone had done something about the mistreatment they suffered at home under the narcissist.